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Today I felt bored, at some point. Bored does not belong to my dictionary, still it entered today. And I welcomed it.
I’ve always things that I want to do. But I’m not the person in busy mode. I’m not restless, nor over-productive or over-reacting. The contrary. I’m single-threaded and need to be in control of what I’m doing. If I don’t know what I’m doing, it simply isn’t worth proceeding, for me. And evaluation and planning take a long time. I’m mostly in pre-busy mode, I’d say.
But my mind is always at work. Deciphering and navigating the net of my alternative futures is my full-time job. They can’t fire me, but there’s no salary.
Sometimes – and, as of late, I’d say often – this takes on me, and the computational effort becomes not only overwhelming but someway… sucking. Exhausting.
I’ve my tools to counter that. I’m able to relax and meditate. I’m able to sleep. I’m able to set priorities. Actually, still working on this last one. But when you feel overwhelmed, forcing you in a relaxed state always leaves some unwanted background noise, some annoying attraction to something that whispers or pushes. Unless you’re a monk – a strict one – your concerns and urgencies find their way into your mind. And they do in mine a bit more than I was used one or two decades ago.
Today, I’m alone. A wonderful day is outside. It’s Sunday. I’m a bit tired.
A warm breeze enters the room.
I was about to sit at my desk when the feeling entered my mind.
It wasn’t the usual omg-where-do-I-start-from that trashes more minutes of my life than I’d want. It was… I’m bored. I’m tired. This moment is worth just enjoying it.
So, I laid down in this multipurpose provisional room, with my preferred comics, which comes out semiannually but was waiting for my reading for a year.
And I read, and enjoyed a wonderful afternoon. An afternoon that we know will never come again. And that was spent in the best possible way: being aware that it was a wonderful afternoon.
I’m back at my PC again, of course.
I gave a glance at my bucket list, and the feeling was different from a few hours ago.
It was in perspective. So much in perspective that most of it appeared as it is: noise.
I got a better focus on what matters. I guess this counts as work on priorities. Or, if it doesn’t, I’ll die anyway, sooner or later. Fucking priorities can add some fun.
I felt relieved from the countless little mechanics that push our mind in one direction or another. I could look at my to-do list and do… something else. Namely, writing this.
Being bored made it possible.
I didn’t force my relax. It came spontaneously. My entire being asked for it. And this made the difference. My automatic self was my ally. All was aligned.
And that allowed me to reach a state that we usually can get only for a few moments, even meditating. A point where it’s really you and the present, fully. Deeply. Not in a temporary contemplation, but in a discovery and liberating mode.
Restarting from there, it’s like starting with a blank canvas. Any following stroke matters.
And, for me, any sign should be worth it, whether it has a purpose or not. It can take time, but that’s my way.
Thanks to this afternoon for having remembered me the reset state.