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Climbing Down From My Dreams

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When I was young, I thought I was someway destined to change the world, maybe by writing or inventing. My mind was so active, and curious, and people seemed to ignore so much. A universe was behind common things, conventions, small talks, silly behaviors, trivial knowledge. And few seemed to care.

I’ve always had a future ahead, and time was never enough. Somehow, I was preparing for my future. I learned, I improved myself. Of course, I tried to follow my big plans, but I failed. Not enough effort, not enough focus. Maybe bad luck. Maybe too much luck.

Death was absolutely out of those plans. I had things to do. To die beforehand was inconceivable. What a waste.

Fast-forward, I’m of the verge of my 50s. I’ve already lost my father, and several other people dear to me. I know that death can happen. Instantly.

But my dreams – as much as they can count – are still there.

Life passed and not enough time for all of my plans is left. It’s hard to get.

Also, making true steps forward is damn hard.

Anyway, life taught me some lessons. Not welcome lessons. Among them, having to leave a job I loved, when it seemed to be the job of my life. But I had the occasion to change. To see smaller things. To see greater things in smaller things. And to see the smallness in what looked great before.

After the last lessons, I had to take a pause. I had to face reality. My dreams are not here, and I have to reinvent my job. I’m restarting from zero.

But in nothing I found something. In losing, I gained the unexpected.

I restarted writing, I still have my wife, I’m more authentic, I’m human-sized.

I’m less scared of death. Scared, but less. Maybe reaching my father, or thinking to make him company in that destiny helps. A piece of me is already gone.

My wife and I started climbing. But I fear heights. I never loved putting myself in risky situations. Heights scare the hell out of me.

Tomorrow we will have a full-weekend lesson, and we will attempt vertical climbing. I’m not sure I’m going to sleep, this night. It’s quite safe, still your life depends on a rope, a nail hopefully fixed well, and an attentive companion. I’m attracted by climbing, but not from danger. Weird and unhealthy mix.

But you know what? I’m going there with my wife. I’ve seen that I’m small. I’ve had wonderful days, in my life. All I desire now, apart from my mistreated and resized dreams, is to live days like those again.

If tomorrow I’ll have one more of those days, I’ll be great.

It’s not enough. It’s never enough. But maybe it’s all we humans can ask for.

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